"I learned at a very young age how fragile life is. When I was 15 years old I found out I had a brain tumor. The doctors said I had a very small chance that I could outlive it. The only alternative was to get on a long waiting list for open face surgery in hopes of removing it. I guess the first blessing happened on my 16th birthday, when the surgery was scheduled. I found out shortly after waking from the surgery that they went into the palette of the roof of my mouth instead of opening up my entire face. I guess you could say that was the second blessing. But the real blessing was that I overcame it completely and I survived something that most people never live through. I was close to death and I escaped it, and now I celebrate life because of it.
I wanted to be free. After this literal escape from death, I had some challenges at home and left at a very young age to spend my teenage years literally on the streets. I started with a hitchhiking tour all through Canada. Essentially I was homeless, sleeping on rooftops and under bridges and free. I met tons of interesting people, and experienced life to the fullest. Surviving the death sentence of a brain tumor was like defying death. I felt like the walking dead. I wasn’t supposed to be here. The doctors had told me there was no hope. But here I was, alive and breathing and being so free to live my life. When you live on the streets, you really appreciate just being alive. On the streets, you don’t have first or last names. So they started to call me Zombie, a person who is living but so close to death.”
^^ To all those people still circulating that he got cancer, then said “screw it, I’m gonna die so I might as well get all these tattoos,” and then survived and was stuck with them: You’re wrong and YOU’RE FOOLS. You can’t get tattoos when you’re on treatment! And at any rate, he was only 15 when he was diagnosed. Most places, you have to be at least 18 to get inked. Let’s keep this post going to show the real story.
One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Grab the wall, gas pedal gas pedal
Guardians of the Galaxy looks so good.
the bear is actually the standard coat coloring for the species. They’re called Asiatic black bears or occasionally moon bears.
I think they’re referring to the fact that the bear has a batman symbol on it’s chest.
My boyfriend does this kind of stuff all the time :) <3